The Gentlemen Revolutionaries

Dedicated to the Preservation of the First Amendment

Location: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, United States

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Things I love: Bird Flu

TGrevolutionaries is back!

How to better celebrate the return than with a resounding endorsement of the bird flu. That's right! That wonderful disease has dropped from the headlines ever since ABC ran its fact-filled docu-drama (another word for NEWS) "Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America." I aim to change that by making bird flu as popular as Paris Hilton at spring break.

I want to be very clear. I love the bird flu. I think it is the best thing to happen since Ted Williams' head was chopped off and frozen (because who knows! maybe it will be easier to re-animate A HEAD rather than a whole person. Bodies will become useless in the future anyway). OK I can hear it now... that this is some how "sick" or "inappropriate" or I am a worse person than a reality show star but I am sure that by the end you will agree with me. So here are my reasons why I think the bird flu is great.

1) It is good for the economy. Some claim that out sourcing is a problem for the American economy, if you are in that camp just wait for the jobs to come screaming back! Once bird flu hits Asia hard think of all the menial labor jobs that Americans will once again have the privilege of doing! I mean since the illegals are taking all of our coveted landscaping and cleaning jobs, at least we can make our own sneakers and answer our Dell call center calls ourselves! Dont forget all those manufacturing jobs that were lost to third world countries!

2) It is good for young people. This one will sound a bit harsh, but it is time for honesty- with the housing market the way it is I will be almost dead before I can buy my first house. Solution? Get lots of homes on to the market quickly with motivated buyers. Method? Bird Flu!
Sure lots of people will die of bird flu, but many of those people will be OLD. The result is that their relatives will have tons of property to unload and the prices for property take a dive! Think of all those barely lived in florida condos up for sale!
Also if you are a recent college grad there will be many positions open!

3) Its great if you like cars. Using the same principle as above, think about all the great, low mileage, used cars that will flood the market!

4) It is good for America! With the World Cup going on we must be accutely aware that we are not the best at everything. However with the bird flu, the EU's socialized medical system will collapse and they will have far more deaths there. The result? Their SOCCER (thats right SOCCER) teams will be cripled and we will walk all over them in the next world cup matches!
5) National security. Do you think that terrorists will get treatment for bird flu? I doubt it.

Wow the bird flu sounds awful. Hopefully it wont turn out all SARs on us and be a big pansy.


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