The Gentlemen Revolutionaries

Dedicated to the Preservation of the First Amendment

Location: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, United States

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

I think I threw up in my mouth

Today my life changed. I have read the absolute worst auto review in the history of mankind. First I have a feeling it may have been written by a 14 yearold. Why do I say that? Probably because it is written poorly AND I really have a feeling that this is the first time this person has driven a car. Secondly, the article is overtly opinionated, something you all know gets my blood boiling. So in honor of how much this has effected me I have decided to institute a new system of THE ANGER METER. Basically I will use this to illustrate how pissed off I am getting.

So now I want you to take a minute and read the article and then come back and join me as I take pleasure in ripping this article to shreds:

Done? Ok good. Now I know that many of my readers would either consider themselves "car people" or "environmentalists." This obviously does not cover everyone, but it includes many of you.

So where are we at with this article. First I am approaching it as a car review so lets go at it from that angle.

"The stubby Honda two-door cut through Manhattan traffic like a skateboard. It accelerated smoothly, braked quietly, and-best of all-consumed no gasoline and generated no greenhouse gases."

Ok not withstanding that the skateboarding comment, which fits well with my guess that it was written by a 14 year old, an auto review is not based on the car being good for the environment, it should be based on THE FREAKING CAR.

Anger level: Cut off by 17 yearold in Japanese Car

Ok so the next paragraph is all about more environmental BS and how hydrogen works. So lets move on.

Anger level: Skunked Beer

So now we have a paragraph that is ALMOST a car review but the ignorance still manages to shine through when the writer says "The FCX makes hardly any noise and accelerates smoothly, with none of the gearshifting that you feel in a gas-powered car." So basically you are telling me that gearshifting is a bad feel and you dont want to be able to hear your car? Basically you are saying the two things that help you know what your car is doing, be one with the machine, the road, what you are doing to your equipment, how you are treating your investment, is a bad thing? Well sir I say that you are an idiot.

Anger level: Forced listening to a jam band

Moving forward we come across the claim that the author "felt a decent surge while starting off, though getting to 60 mph takes as long as 13 seconds." Hey Chief, you didn't feel any surge if it took you 13 seconds to get to 60, that surge was you farting from your tofu and starbucks you had for lunch. Oh and its good that you probably dont have any friends because that 80 horsepower motor probably isnt enough for two.

Anger level: Cable out during an Eagles Game

So finally the author decides to end this god awful article but he ads a nice quick little piece of turd in at the end saying "Regardless, it is reassuring to know that the technology is available to free us from dependence on imported oil and asphyxiating ourselves with greenhouse gases. Now if they could just work on that seven-figure sticker price." Oh that and it costs 20 dollars for 190 miles work of fuel... that is a real price savings (or not you morons).

Anger level: Dallas Cowboys win the super bowl.

So here we are at the end of a review of a CAR and we have maybe a paragraph about the car itself. I really dont know what to do with myself right now but I can tell you this: car people, be pissed, you know why to be pissed, this steaming pile is being passed off as an auto review. Environmentalists, be pissed, this steaming pile makes you all look like idiots.


Blogger Paul said...

GOOD. I like the Anger Levels...interesting.

11:15 AM  

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